In this video, Communication Gate method is a unique/complete version includes assertiveness, feelings,thoughts, clarification,brainstorming/negotiations skills. I teach the GATE communication method. It involves Assertiveness, Clarification, Feelings, and Behavior. In interpersonal communication, few things are more important to learn. Communication is a skill. It will help without causing problems or introducing confusion.
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All the important aspects of communication are being included. These are the basics that Michele teaches her clients.
Feelings vs. Thoughts using the GATE communication method
In the Gate Communication method, the main way we bond with each other has to do with our feelings, not our thoughts. Thoughts are abstract even when expressed Feelings are universal. The problem lies in knowing what are our feelings. Due to culture, school, and family influence, many feelings are not acceptable. Due to our belief systems, we also judge certain feelings as bad or good, right or wrong. John Wayne never expressed fear, thus, you aren’t a real man if you feel fear. Doris Day never looked angry, so, women who express anger are unfeminine and not “a lady”. Similar values mean “being Christian” which means you are never angry and only love people.
Colored Ball analogy in the Gate communication method
If you look at feelings as a colored ball, there may be a similar example that may explain this. We need all the colors to form a rainbow. One doesn’t say red is a good color and green is a bad color. We may prefer one color over another but we don’t exclude one color because it is bad or negative. Happiness may be our favorite and sad not so much. All our feelings need us to know ourselves. The problem lies in knowing their purpose. Most people get feelings mixed up with behavior. This is where many further problems lie.
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Knowing our feelings are the only way we can emotionally protect ourselves. They are our main barometers for emotional self-protection.
Gradations of a color analogy
In the Gate communication method, we use a color analogy that we can understand. Let us suppose anger is like the color red and fear is the green color. Each color has a spectrum. Bright red could be like the feeling of rage. Pastel pink could be the feeling of a tiny bit irritated. The red spectrum encompasses all the feelings of anger. We can do this for Fear. In the color spectrum of Green, we find bright green (terror). This would range to uncomfortable (pastel green).
Assertive techniques with Gate communication
The bottom part of the “GATE” starts with “I would like” or “I prefer” or “consequence”. When people are asking for what they need, they always need to know what they will do if denied. Thus the consequence to any request is born. Sometimes parents confuse consequence with punishment. Consequences can be pleasant or unpleasant. Unpleasant can be a punishment but we examine the motive. I teach that the consequence should be educational. I involve education to explain the infraction (more on this in another article). An example could be using the GATE technique
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“Johnny, you said you’d clean the room by Saturday at noon and now it is 1 pm Sunday and the room isn’t clean. I feel angry/disappointed because my thought is, and I could be wrong, that you don’t respect the rules in this house. So, I need you to clean this room in 2 hours or you won’t get the keys to the car”.
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For more information on assertiveness and the benefits use
Few communication classes are ever taught without the all-important clarification response. The GATE communication method ensures that the listener actually heard the message. Few of us listen. Most are busy preparing our responses or interrupting or thinking about something else. The clarification also requires an ability to bond, if we can carry it out.
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The GATE says “I hear, I see, I feel“. Then I heard is actually the clarification response. We wish to bond and actually engage in a conversation. We need to be sure that they felt heard and at least understood at some level. Most people start out by lecturing (when I was your age, in your position, etc.). They start sharing, advising, and give their own feedback or experience. Start on the backside of the GATE with No Sharing, NO advising. Then “I heard, I saw, I felt”. Then ask if they want the feedback or experience. Most people want to feel heard.
Negotiation and Brainstorming
This final piece of the gate is actually 2 things in one. Begin by showing the other party that there are things that you can appreciate. Even if it’s 1% of the content, we can all appreciate something. Firstly, we can all appreciate other parties’ feelings.  Secondly, this is where most people start to defend or attack the person they are talking to.
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Coming up with 2 ideas would be the negotiation or brainstorming part of the GATE. Therefore, instead of defending anything, go for 2 solutions. When giving baby vegetables, the parent knows there may be some push back. “Do you want carrots or peas?” The baby says “cookies”. The good parent says “peas or carrots, which would you prefer?”. The smart parent is focusing the child on the choice, and this is a huge asset. The baby thinks that this was their choice. Smart parent knows, either way, the vegetables are from where the choice comes from.
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In another analogy dealing with adult people, if carrots and peas can’t work. Broccoli or cauliflower may be an option.  As a result, this continues until the agreed-upon conclusion arrives, endorsed by both parties.
Keeping it simple with the basics
There are nuances when dealing with communication.
Some rather obvious conditions must be in place. For example, the other party has to be rational and able and willing to work with communication. People have various kinds of difficult histories. “Trigger words” may cause problems.  With trauma or PTSD, be aware that they are operating from an adult viewpoint. If addiction is present, communication becomes complicated.
 When bitter disputes have longstanding histories like married couples, it can be difficult. Be sure these are not present. If present, use extra counsel before proceeding.
If you want to learn more or have any questions feel free to contact me here
If you look at feelings as a colored ball, there may be a similar example that may explain this. We need all the colors to form a rainbow. One doesn’t say red is a good color and green is a bad color. We may prefer one color over another but we don’t exclude one color because it is bad or negative. Happiness may be our favorite and sad not so much. All our feelings need us to know ourselves. The problem lies in knowing their purpose. Most people get feelings mixed up with behavior. This is where many further problems lie. 