In this video, I examine the 7 common signs of codependency that people can spot. Either for themselves or within others, it is an easy spot check.
What is Codependency?
Codependency has actually 26 formal and different definitions for the term. When someone is in contact with a dysfunctional person such as an addict or alcoholic, they find that their behavior is no longer responsible. As a common reaction, people will fill in for irresponsible behavior. This would be helpful if that person is sick in the usual way of sick (meaning ill health). However, with addiction, the behavior never changes. If the other person continues with their “fixing” problems, they will not help. Actually, they begin what many people call “enabling” behavior. It almost always leads to frustration, anger, resentment, and bewilderment along with a sense of betrayal. Please look at my blog on Dr.Claudia Black’s film
What types of people are more prone to Codependency?
If someone grew up in a dysfunctional or addicted home, they had to take on more responsibilities. By this pattern of taking care of the adults (their parents), they continued this pattern as adults. Often taking it into their homes and their workplaces, it becomes a problem. Because they never learned a different behavior, they often don’t realize what they are doing. An entire set of assertive and boundary setting behavior becomes mandatory in order for a person to stop this kind of behavior. Due to people becoming angry or disapproving of these changes, most people don’t even try. Thus, the pattern of enabling all kinds of dysfunctional behavior becomes the norm. Look at the definition of CodependencyÂ
How does it help to stop “enabling” if you think you are codependent?
When someone stops the enabling behaviors, either with help or without help, it can cause problems in their relationships. If someone is always taking care of responsibilities, and there is no warning or transition period, it can cause confusion. With an addict, they’d have a denial system that truly can’t see and are “sincerely deluded”. It may take professional help in order to change one’s enabling behavior. When we change behavior, it often takes a long time and has many setbacks. However, if someone stops enabling the addict, the consequences may be the very thing that creates pain and change. This pain may be necessary for an addict to realize the impact of their behavior on someone. It doesn’t guarantee that they won’t be angry. In fact, it probably will make them angry. This is the time when support is vital. Alanon Family Groups is an organization that helps with exactly this dilemma. It also is important to look at “people-pleasing” behaviors. If someone gets their self-esteem from what they do, instead of who they are, problems exist and will continue.
All I’m trying to do is help!!
If only this were all the truth. People do things for a number of reasons. If they are not clear on their motives, then they could end up being a victim of their own delusional thinking. Many people easily justify, rationalize, and minimize their behavior in an attempt to “look good”. If there is not an inventory taking process occurring by someone outside of that person’s head, they run into trouble. Our own ego wants us to look good.
I can’t stop even though I want to
Another problem that complicates the matter is “self will”. Many people find that, like an alcoholic/addict, they do things they don’t want to. This, again, involves, professional help and/or Alanon Family Groups where you can find help.
If you’d like more assistance with dealing with codependency you can contact me here
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